Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
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So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them