My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
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shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”