6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
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Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Sing it!
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.