I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
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[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t