Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
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Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Body by cheese-puffs.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I’m about to risk it all
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.