Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
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If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
The answer is funnier than the question
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.