[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
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I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Sing it!
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows