Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
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Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream