Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
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My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Happy Febuary everyone!
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Haha! 😂
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
when u come home smelling like another dog
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away