Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
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If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
is this meant to deter me
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.