“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
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He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.