I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
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Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him