psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
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When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
How dude HOW?!
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?