Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
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Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally