“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
You Might Also Like
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.