Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
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I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Effort made
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST