They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
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Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Not today.. 😂
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.