Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
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son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
me and the Superbowl rn
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie