If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
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[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe