When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
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The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Duck typos.