If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
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the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.