Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
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When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
yea so i messed up lol
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
She was REALLY feeling it.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.