Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
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6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Me too
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
That lamp looks PISSED.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
what’s really going on
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread