My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
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I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help