Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
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You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.