Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
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Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.