*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
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Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
12. I think about this all the damn time
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Software Development ⛵️
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????