[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
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I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.