Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
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I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
translated into Canadian
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
twitter users today:
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?