What’s dopamine is dopayours.
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I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*