My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
You Might Also Like
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*