I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
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[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
What
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle