To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
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The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
When your man makes a valid point
This is painfully accurate 😅
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.