One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
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Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.