French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
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I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey