Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
You Might Also Like
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.