If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
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I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”