Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
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Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.