Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
You Might Also Like
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Waiting for the Charmin
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]