A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
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There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.