You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
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I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
This kid is a star!
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
my professor scared me for a second
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
My teenage children choosing violence
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”