One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
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Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Autocarrot sucks!
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored