“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
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My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.