Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
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I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.