The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
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Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.