horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
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Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not