Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
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Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.