They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
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when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
What if the weather talks about us?
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top