The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
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“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.