Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
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According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
🔦🌙👣
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb